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Take
Me
Away don't wanna grow up, i wanna shout out |
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August 21, 2011
I wrote that letter thinking it'd help me get over you. Apparently, that isn't so. I haven't been able to think of anyone or anything else. Every single time I'm alone, you pop into my head doing something so sweet for me that I wonder how I had forgotten in the first place. The countless times we'd spent just sitting together and listening to the music we love while holding hands, my head resting on your shoulder would play in my head leaving me feeling more alone than I had ever felt. I've cried myself to sleep countless times with longing and loneliness. I've even dreamt of you and in those dreams, I knew it couldn't be real. That's why I wake up. I miss you terribly, you can't even imagine. And now I don't know what's going on between us. It's terribly painful when you're so distant despite your promise that you'd still be my closest friend. I have no intention of finishing this. I'd cry too much.
7:00 PM
August 09, 2011
Letter to a lover Dear Wen Jie, It's been a month since you broke up with me. I still don't understand why but i accept that it's what you want and that there's nothing to be done to change your mind or your heart. I'm trying my best to get over it, over you. Often times i wonder how things would be if we had never started and if we had never parted. Would i be even lonelier than i am now? would i be happier? would things have spiraled out of control or would they have become easier to manage with you always by my side? The possibilities of 'what if' s are endless. Yet, i'm glad we had what we had and that every moment i had with you was meaningful and special. I wanna thank you for loving me the way you did and trying your best to make me happy. I hope you feel i did the same for you. I apologize for whatever emotional burden i had born upon you and the worry that resulted. You were my rock in a very trying time and i'm grateful to have had you. Hope you know that i'll always be here to do the same or at least try my best to, given how unstable i can be. Obviously, i miss you and i honestly believe i still do love you. Maybe it's ebbing with everyday that passes *though i doubt it. How does one stop loving a boy she once gave her whole heart to? I wouldn't know. But now i always try and always fail at avoiding everything that has to do with you and what we were. I wanna be with you still but being around you hurts because the walls i once had around you came crashing down and in my grief, they were rebuilt with the same bricks and a poorer foundation. So maybe with the sharp-shooting of your words and deeds attacking the cracks, the walls keep tumbling down and get weaker and weaker every time. You know you've hurt me so many times yet you forget and keep doing it and i know i've been hurt by you so many times yet i never seem to get enough or learn. My foolishness kills me as does having to consciously keep my distance. The emotional attachment we had formed in such a short time is amazing. Perhaps it is exactly because i've lost this dependancy i had on you that causes me so much pain, the knowledge that i'm more alone. You say that we don't have to be completely platonic, that we can still hold hands and that you'll kiss me properly next time. It's not that i don't want any of it, i'd give anything for your touch but it's just plain selfish of you to give me this little bit of hope that maybe you still love me and that we can still be together. Maybe it's presumptuous of me, maybe i'm wrong, but there's still that slim chance that i'm right. Giving you physical affection was my most honest means of showing you my love and when you reciprocated, it was always warm/hot and sticky sweet. Knowing this contact was always a genuine exchange between us, lustful though it may be, always filled me with this satisfaction that you needed me too and the need to be wanted, needed. You doing this just makes it all cheap, almost valueless and a little insincere. It'd be wrong to have that last kiss. Maybe when you're drunk and I'm exceptionally horny could we possibly have it. Who knew writing a letter that you'd prolly never see could make me feel so much better? I honestly have no clue how to end this letter aside from the very basic thank you, i miss you, i love you and i'll see you, speak to you soon. Maybe *when i finally heal, we could be closer than before, just without the romantic complexities? idk. Life's riddled with ambiguity and you can trust that i'm doing my best to find my way. In the event that you do see this, let me know. I'll be expecting some sort of a reply. Love, Qistina *After I wrote this, i realise that i'm starting to heal. I don't hurt so much anymore. I think you'll be glad to know. I still love you though but i think instead of ebbing away, it's just changing :)
2:29 PM
May 24, 2011
Battered, bruised, broken. I'm not sure how I feel right now. I'm so frustrated and disappointed and confused and my soul is crushed. I'm starting to feel insecure again and inadequate and it seems like nothing has changed. I don't know what I'm expected to do, what I should do or how to take this even. We're supposed to choose groups for DEP GS and this goes up with us all the way to A levels and we discussed it 7-8 pm today and groups have already started forming/ formed. Yet, I haven't got one. I haven't even been asked. This always happens. ALWAYS. I'm the one left out, forgotten. When I try to improve myself and ask people what they think I should improve on, all I ever get is "You're really nice and friendly :)" That doesn't help me. Not in the least. Not one bit. I don't even know if you're just saying it or if you actually mean it. Drama kids are such good actors. I know there's something off and I know it's my fault but no one's telling me what I'm doing wrong. I always end-up feeling like this. My friendships are never actually real, close ones. I've never really bonded with anyone. Most of my friendships were that of convenience. And since they are so superficial, they break easily. Suddenly, they become awkward and silent. I've never been particularly good with people but I'm not stupid or slow. I get it when you don't like me even when you say it's untrue. But I can never see the truth behind people's actions. Rarely ever. I'm so paranoid about this that I'm always second-guessing myself and putting myself down. I want this to stop or I might snap. I should learn not to react. Respond but not to react.
11:49 PM
April 22, 2011
Today Today was pretty eventful Wen Jie came over to study and Niq and Tin were at Friday prayers. When they came back from prayers, a cat ran into the house and we spent 30mins getting it out of the house. Lol. It came back a couple more times. Then somebody stole WJ's shoes but he wasn't pissed about it. I love how he's so chill about things (L) and then he left and the three of us just drifted through time before ordering pizza for dinner from Pizza Hut which sucked by the way. It was cold and tasted funny so no point redeeming my free pizza with the black hot sticker. Never calling Pizza Hut ever again. The cat's now outside the door. With friends. So Matin is basically trapped in here. lol. Gonna stone naozxz.
9:56 PM
April 17, 2011
Cause my baby boy means so much~
10:06 PM
March 27, 2011
260 My dear blog, I apologize for having neglected you all this while! :( My dinner date with Wen Jie yesterday was amazing! Homg, that boy can do amazing things with his tongue, 'specially for someone with no experience. Lol.
2:11 PM
March 13, 2011
DEP mono again. APHRODITE: So what’s this I hear, Selene—that you’ve taken to pausing the moon in the sky every night so you can gaze like a schoolgirl at this hunter, Endymion, while he sleeps? Sometimes, they say, you actually abandon your post and join him in his bed. Is this true? Yes, you can blame Eros, if you like. He's such a naughty boy, my son! He plays the same wicked games on his own mother, you know! First he smites me with an insatiable desire for Anchises of Troy, then before I can get my fill of that noble prince, he redirects my love pangs toward some Assyrian stripling or some Phoenician farm boy, and I’m off for Lebanon, Cyprus, Tripoli, like some crazed bitch in heat! It makes me dizzy! I can’t catch my breath! And worse, once I’m smitten, he doesn’t even leave the man to me, but makes some other goddess or mortal beauty in love with him as well, so that half the time I don’t get any satisfaction at all! It makes me so mad, I want to strangle the little devil! I’ve threatened to clip his wings and break all of his arrows—I’ve spanked his little bottom until I was blue in the face! He cries for a minute or two, promises never to do it again, and two seconds later he’s back to his games. But enough about me! I want to know about your new lover, Endymion! Is he handsome? Does he have fine, broad shoulders and a chiseled torso? That’s always a consolation in our humiliation—to have a strapping young warrior aroused to distraction by our charms. It certainly doesn’t hurt one’s ego. In this scene, Aphrodite is having a conversation with Selene about the men have fallen in love with thanks to by Aphrodite's son, Eros, as well as the suffering they go through when they cannot have their man.
11:58 AM
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